#57 Healing the Mind, Body and Spirit of Black Women w Qubilah Huddleston

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[00:00:20] Qubilah: Thank you for having me, Natalie. So happy to join you.

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[00:00:29] Qubilah: Okay, sure. Um, so I'm many things but at this moment I am a self care and personal growth strategist, as you said, who really cares deeply about helping Black women who do too much, do less.

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[00:00:58] Natalie: I'm curious to know because I, I agree with that too. I think so many times black women in general are portrayed as these super women and these super moms. And there's all these accolades of, Oh, my mom is so strong. Or that woman is so strong. And she does this, this, this, she has four jobs and these kids and this role and this responsibility. And I'm like, okay, but have you ever asked her, like, is this what she wants for herself?

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[00:01:41] Natalie: And that can be a really heavy burden to bear. So can you talk about like your experience, even just observing black women kind of carrying this, um, mantle on their shoulders? Yes.

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[00:02:03] Qubilah: And in my honest opinion, it's one that has just been forced upon us, right? And what's been most fascinating to me is that now that more Black women are taking a stance against that, right, we're saying, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, we are tired, right? people have very visceral reactions to that, right? And I'll say, um, obviously my mother, right, is a Black woman who I've witnessed carry a lot. And even to this day, I have to kind of, Encourage her. Hey, my like, slow down, right? She's involved in her church. She dogs is he's in a new fitness community.

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[00:03:39] Qubilah: And again, that's why I see myself really as helping and inviting Black women to do less and feel comfortable doing less.

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[00:04:02] Natalie: And it's so true because even as children, we observe a lot, right? Like we just watch and see, and what we see is what we make true of the world. So if we, as young black girls see all the black women around us working really hard, but to the point of almost running themselves ragged or to the point where they don't have time for themselves or they don't have time for joy and play and leisure, then those are the things that you grow up expecting to be true for yourself.

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[00:04:47] Natalie: So I want to go back and I want to start with your backstory. How did you come into this wellness and self care space?

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[00:05:11] Qubilah: I did not have the terminology then. Of course, I was internalizing it. I was like, I'm lazy or something is wrong with me. Not knowing that I was just extremely burnt out. Right. Um, not a first gen college student, but I, my mom, she didn't attend a big state university like I did. Right. Obviously the world is in a different place now.

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[00:05:53] Qubilah: And so at that point, um, you know, I was starting to read. A lot more, right? Read a lot more text by black feminists. Um, and I know we're going to get into that a little bit later. Um, but reading and then also hearing other black women who were a bit older than me start to talk about this concept of like, Black women doing too much.

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[00:06:42] Qubilah: Um, in addition, around 2010. So this would have been my second year of college. I had a gallstone attack. Um, and I had that happen when I was in Reno, Nevada, visiting family and. Having to go through surgery and everything else, I, uh, was disappointed in how the medical system responded, right? There was no real conversation about, like, this is how you take care of yourself moving forward, right?

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[00:07:34] Qubilah: And so that really also opened me up to this idea of caring for myself more holistically, right? Not just focusing on, you know, nutrition. Or physical movement, but also like what was going on inside, right? Like, how was I feeling about my own body, um, navigating this world now that I had this surgery? So, um, I would say those two things were really the sort of like catalyst for where I am today.

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[00:08:19] Natalie: But then on the other hand, it's like it's so good that at least you were able to find a way to take care of your own needs and it caused you to kind of explore a whole new realm of saying, well, how do I take care of myself? Because I'm left empty handed. Nobody's provided me the resources, the tools for me to know how to navigate this situation.

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[00:09:03] Qubilah: I think being a pioneer, right. Um, I went through a lot of shedding and unlearning, which meant that, you know, different parts of my life, whether it was the activities that I participated in. Or what I consumed, right? Like either eating or just, um, information wise. It changed. Right. Um, and also being that person to kind of like question things and challenge things a bit more.

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[00:09:53] Qubilah: Right. I'm Rejecting this idea that I just have to keep going, even though I'm in pain. Right. Or, you know, I actually want to have this conversation in this community with these people. Right. Like, I think going through, like, Again, when all of this was happening, it was, this was all pre reels and pre tick tock like this was pre everything that we have today where, you know, people were still like getting really used to the fact that like we have 24 7 access to information and other people's lives.

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[00:10:52] Natalie: it is true being that pioneer, being that first one to the top of the mountain, it can be lonely. Like you're looking back and you're like, Oh, nope, nobody else here. Uh, you know, and it may, it can make you second guess yourself to be like, am I doing it right? But I think what you said about like you're listening to your own body or tuning in, it's trusting your own intuition, right?

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[00:11:29] Natalie: It's also having that courage to say, I can make tweaks. I can make adjustments and I can do it again because. We're always learning and I love that you said I'm learning too because that's so important. There's a lot of harmful information or hurtful information or just mistruths, misinformation that we have in our minds.

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[00:12:07] Natalie: And you're like, well, you know what? I think this, right? And so, even navigating that and Be growing your own confidence to stand up for yourself, right? And to just advocate for your own needs. And be like, no, this is what I'm doing. And this is what I'm doing. Get on board or, or go about your business, you know, because you have to choose yourself.

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[00:12:38] Natalie: and that's important. Like you have to stand your own truth at the end of the day. So now at this point. What would you say? 'cause you've been in this space for a while, you've been dealing with this personally, you're, you're helping other people as well.

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[00:12:58] Qubilah: Yeah. Um, at this point I would say self-care really is about reconnecting and grounding. Right? You know, people like to say, like, we're, we're floating on a planet paying bills when we could just be, you know, outside enjoying nature, et cetera, et cetera.

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[00:13:36] Qubilah: And by right now, I mean, like, within the last, like, five years or so, right? Um, so taking time to be outside, to take walks, to observe, different things happening in nature. I have had different experiences. experiences that allow me to identify certain things outside. And that really brings me to the present moment, right?

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[00:14:17] Qubilah: I also enjoy like eating foods that are both like nourishing, but also fun and bring me joy. I've, I've come a long way to be able to enjoy sort of those different spectrums of food. And I think like we demonize food in a lot of different ways. But for me, I'm like healing that relationship with food is really one way that I've been able to take better care of myself.

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[00:15:03] Qubilah: It is quiet. Maybe a few birds outside talking to each other. But for the most part, it's quiet. Um, and I can really sit. And be still and reflective. And that is really important for me because my day job requires me to use a lot of my creative energy for the purpose of the job. So to be able to have, like, my own time to think, to dream, to imagine about what I want for myself and my community has really become more important to me as I've aged, and as I, Work and listen and talk with other people.

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[00:16:07] Qubilah: In other instances, I feel guilty, right? I'm like, well, but you know I'm coming up with all of these different scenarios why I might need to say yes. Um, or it's that classic black woman, like, if not me, then who, if not now, then when? And it's like, that has to go out the window because By the time I'm like going through that thought process, I'm already tired.

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[00:16:52] Qubilah: If it's going to cause harm or cause me more stress, um, I'm really working on being firm in my no.

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[00:17:05] Natalie: I think. Like, I'm pretty good, I'm pretty good at saying no, but then I remember just, just a few weeks ago, I said yes to something, and boy, oh boy, did it mess me up, and I'm like, why did I say yes, and it was for my sister, I was trying to help her with something, but it backfired on me, and I, like, you know, it just threw off my whole life, I did not have the time to commit to, to help her, and I should have said no, and if you mess up once in a while, it's okay, you just kind of, Give yourself grace and.

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[00:17:57] Natalie: This is my hard cutoff, et cetera, et cetera. And I think it's really important to say the no, as fast as you can, because I think what happens, part of the reason why we feel guilty is because we think about it so long and we're like, Oh, but who else is going to help out? Oh man, but they did this for me last time.

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[00:18:35] Natalie: And sometimes I'm like, I'll get back to you, but I might not, like, sometimes I just try to lead with a no. And if I give a changes to a yes, great surprise, but if not, then at least they were, you know, somewhat prepared for it. And also thinking about ways that you can say no, that don't allow people to push back.

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[00:19:15] Natalie: And I'll be like, no, I can't do whatever, whatever, but I hope you have a great time or, but hope you figure it out. And I just try to wish you well and just wrap it completely up, put it in the mail and send it right. Because let me just send that whole thought, that whole conversation away to the post office, because it's not here for us to still be dilly dallying with and still what's in the box.

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[00:19:44] Qubilah: I really appreciate what you shared just now about like, don't give people an opportunity to try to change your mind or try to like finesse, right? Because I think, again, that guilt, you want to say no, but you want to let the person know, like, but it's not you.

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[00:20:21] Qubilah: And someone, you know, who I feel like, you know, I feel who cares about you is going to respect that, right? And then if they don't. Then it's our responsibility to walk away, you know, or just close the conversation because you're right. There are people who will try to like finesse it they might hear you say something and then they try to turn it to something else.

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[00:21:04] Qubilah: I've been practicing a lot more saying no. And I tell myself when this happens, like, You know, my friend, like I will still communicate to them that I love them, but on this thing, I just cannot. And I, and I will not, um, and you know, we'll let them deal with their, their feelings and their emotions about it.

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[00:21:33] Qubilah: of boundaries and saying no. Um, that's a huge part of what I try to communicate to different women who, you know, want to talk to me about different things. I'm like, no one is gonna give you an award. For this, right? No one is actually going to be thrilled that you are diminishing your capacity and your availability for them to get something from you.

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[00:22:09] Natalie: Absolutely. And it's tied directly with, well, what is your your own values for your own self. And if your self worth is such that, well, I'm going to honor my needs before other people, because I know the kind of life that I want.

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[00:22:44] Natalie: Then it helps you to be like, I'm just so sorry. I can't do that. And keep it moving. Right. So you've really got to be clear when you don't even know what you want. That's where the wiggle room is. And that's how people start to push you because you don't stand for anything. Or you don't know what you stand for.

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[00:23:15] Natalie: No, they do. But she just Oh my gosh, and she would complain to me all the time too, right? And I'm like, you're complaining behind the scenes. But I'm like, you haven't stood up for yourself. You haven't said, I don't appreciate this because I have no time for myself.

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[00:23:44] Natalie: And that is not selfish. That is simply speaking the facts. So let me tell you most of the time when people don't respect your boundaries. They are quick to set up their own boundaries, though. Okay, they are not bending over backwards for you. No. Like, please, no.

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[00:24:07] Qubilah: Like when I'm, I know we talked about don't give it too much thought, but sometimes it happens and I'm sitting here like, okay. If I say yes or if I say no or like I'm over here more worried about how they're going to respond to me saying no or whatever the boundary is, but I can think of at least three different instances in which that person had a boundary with me and they moved on with their life and it was all good, you know, so it's like, if they can do it, I can do it too, right?

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[00:25:04] Qubilah: Absolutely.

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[00:25:20] Qubilah: Yes, ma'am. Yes, indeed. There's a lot of books, but the two that come to mind, first is the book by bell hooks, um, communion, the female search for love.

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[00:26:07] Qubilah: And in that book, she just makes the case for one for, you know, women in particular to Lean into self love, right, and how self love really is an important source of love that underneath a patriarchal society, we're estranged from it, right? If you think about the role that the woman is supposed to occupy, it's, you know, we're supposed to serve everybody, you know, we birth the children, we care for the children, we care for our partners, right?

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[00:27:14] Qubilah: Right. And I think that, you know, I'm an only child, so I didn't grow up with, you know, sisters or like aunties and like all of that. And that just really resonated with me because if it's one person I could count on to have my back, it's a black woman. Right. And I really think that, right. There's so much like untapped healing that can come from having just really strong relationships with other women. And for me, I focus a lot of my relationship building with like black women, like those are the women that are in my community. And so that book really kind of like solidified that for me and made me interested in finding healing in community. Right. And then with the nap ministry, and then, you know, Trisha's book, it just further underscore what I kind of already had believed, right.

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[00:28:40] Qubilah: And the system is designed for that. And so us saying, you know what, I'm actually going to rest, um, is, is like an affront to those systems. Some people are like, well, how do you expect people to rest?

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[00:29:16] Qubilah: Right. It looks like, um, just taking a break when you can, when you can get a break. It looks like dreaming. It looks like imagining rest means so can mean so many different things. Um, and it's repetitive, right? It's not like you just do this one, you do it one time and then now everything is all good. It's something that we do every day.

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[00:29:58] Qubilah: If you only think about it in terms of literally laying in a bed and taking a nap with the lights off, rest might not be available to you, right?

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[00:30:21] Natalie: Thank you for sharing I used to read a lot of bell hooks material. I don't know if I've read that book. So I'm going to go find it though, because I'm really intrigued about her talking about community and how loving the community is healing for your own self too, because I really believe in

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[00:31:04] Natalie: And there's a lot of healing that needs to take place collectively, right? Because there's a lot of people saying, oh, sis, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. And they're good all by themselves, but they're causing harm to each other, right? They're deliberately going after each other's things, each other's people, each other's families, each other, like, so.

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[00:31:33] Natalie: You wrote an article about your realization that you needed to give yourself more grace. So just briefly, can you... Talk about ways that you practice self compassion and show yourself grace.

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[00:31:46] Qubilah: For me, it has really been about internal dialogue. I actually talked to myself quite a bit. And I literally like take a moment to pause and ask myself, like, okay. Is this mine to own, or is it not? Right? Do I bear the responsibility, or do I not? What would happen if I asked clarifying questions, or if I took a moment to pause, or if I just disengaged, right? Like, I literally have started to do that so that I feel as though my response or how I'm handling something is really coming from me. And I think another thing that I've been doing to, to practice more self compassion is being okay with not everyone liking what I have to say. Or my ideas, um, or it making sense to everyone. It needs to make the most sense to Qubilah.

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[00:33:23] Qubilah: I'm like, Oh, actually, I need to do this thing. Right? Like, and it is okay to do this thing. And at the end of the day, people are entitled to not like me or the things that I do, but it doesn't alter the value or the legitimacy of what I have to offer. Right. Um, and so I think just doing a little bit more of

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[00:34:17] Qubilah: That's their prerogative, but I still have ways that I can still express myself. Right. Like, so I write, um, once upon a time when, you know, I was using Instagram more regularly, I would do, um, Like stories and I would talk about different things. Um, I also did reels at one point where I would kind of like use what was trending to talk about like very serious, you know, issues as it pertains to the, the work that I do in my practice.

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[00:35:16] Qubilah: And people are like, oh, well, I don't think you should do that. And then now you're second guessing. Now you think you're thinking like, what I have isn't good enough, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And so now I do it a little bit less, like I have some things that. I really, that I really want to do and bring, bring to life and I'm keeping them to myself at this current moment.

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[00:35:55] Qubilah: And that's okay, you know, um, so yeah, this is how I've been moving more in, in, in self compassion and, and grace.

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[00:36:22] Natalie: And I'm not going to do that because this person said no, or this person said no, but it's like. No, be your own validation. Like if it came to your heart and it came to your mind, it is worth pursuing. Like, yes, sometimes people have an idea of maybe a way in which you can pursue it, but if they're going to completely come against what you're doing, you just have to kind of take back the mic. You'd be like, nevermind. And it's better to at least try and then be like, okay, it didn't work, whatever, or this wasn't right. I need to make a tweak and then you can make those changes, but then you're still honoring your own voice and your own desires.

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[00:37:10] Natalie: Um, so for myself as a wellness coach who supports women professionals and entrepreneurs, I see a lot of women who, I feel like they're alone in their wellness challenges. Um, it's not true. Like a lot of times they feel like maybe they've had, uh, a shift where they don't understand their own relationship with themselves because they're not really able to spend time with themselves and to honor their needs or even to know what their needs are.

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[00:37:54] Qubilah: Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think that in this day of like social media, it can be difficult sometimes.

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[00:38:31] Qubilah: I guess I have to use this trending audio when in reality, I want to do something completely different. I want to do something that expresses myself more, right? Um, and I think I've gotten over that, like, um, I think a lot of people too are just like, bump the algorithms, like Uh, whatever. Like we're not doing that.

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[00:39:27] Qubilah: Um, I think it's, and it is a bit of a shift because while I think it's important to like create, you know, content for your audience, things that people want, people want us at the end of the day, right? They want us. And so I think creating more authentically and like, um, just. You know, from a more organic place actually, um, propels my work a lot further than when I'm like, okay, let me get this like perfectly curated or like, let me also create this thing that I see all these other wellness creators creating.

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[00:40:27] Qubilah: I'm going to create and I'm just going to do what I need to do. I'm not going to read up on the latest trend or the latest, you know, uh, whatever it may be, that's currently dominating, you know, social media right now. And I'm just going to create the thing and Nine times out of ten. I feel so much better for doing that.

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[00:41:05] Qubilah: And the reality is, is people are like, I don't want to be doing this either. So I kind of feel like, Some pride in, like, letting people know that, like, it's okay to, to, you know, kind of go off the rails or be your most authentic self in what you do and what you create, because right now I just think there's so much pressure to carve and copy.

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[00:41:45] Natalie: I see everybody every day. Right. It's a small place. And when I moved back home, I was like, okay, now I want to do this wellness thing. I'm like, oh, I need a page. Wait, how do I, what? And I was like, you would think like, even my friends are like, Natalie, I can't believe you don't have Instagram. I'm trying to tag you with something and I can't take you.

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[00:42:20] Natalie: Because one of my most favorite quotes is to thine own self be true. And if I, on a natural, regular old day, do not come on Instagram for my own personal enjoyment, then why would I be putting so much effort into something that I personally don't even think is that good for us in the first place? Do you know what I mean?

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[00:42:54] Natalie: I need to have a way to get the message out there. That's the point. But at the same time, I think I have to do it in a way that's meaningful to me. And I think, I think I, you know, it's always, sometimes you're focused on the metrics or the numbers and the followers. Like I've never been interested in that kind of stuff.

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[00:43:48] Natalie: Right? Because there's just a lot of things like I have so many ideas of ways that I'd like to show up on Instagram that I think would be extremely authentic, but they're not sustainable. Right? Like even sometimes the thought I have the thought and I'm like, Oh, I can't even get into action.

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[00:44:18] Natalie: And if I can be impacting someone in real life that I might see at work, or see in my family, or see down the street, that is still meaningful, even if I didn't impact somebody on the internet. And if I did, then great. So be it. But I just think that we... You know, we can't just only focus on a following or we can't just only focus on those people there.

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[00:44:48] Qubilah: I agree. And I, um, just listened earlier today to a podcast, um, off the grid. Are you familiar with? Nope, but I'm writing it down. So, um, Lauren Ash from Black Girl and Own, she was, she was on the latest episode and she talked about her walk away from social media.

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[00:45:30] Qubilah: And it just, it just made me feel really affirmed because I'm like, you know, we, we exist in this wellness and self care space. To help people heal and or to feel empowered to heal, themselves, right? And we just got to be honest about the, the, the ways that like social media can really stand in the way of that, right?

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[00:46:13] Qubilah: So I, you know, have my medium and I write, um, about just different things. Sometimes they pop up immediately in my head and I just crank it out. Or it's like, I kind of, um, think about like, okay, what is it? What is it that I really want to say? Um, and, uh, also working, like I said, on other things that I'm keeping to myself right now, but hope to be sharing with the world soon.

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[00:46:53] Natalie: Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree. And that's, you just got to do what works for you.

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[00:47:13] Natalie: All of those things. You can pay attention to and then, and then those are clues to you. Okay. I prefer to show up in this way. I don't prefer to show up in this way. Right. So, and then I'm not saying you have to completely cut one out, but you can step back, right? Like you can step back or not do as much on something that doesn't make you feel as good.

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[00:47:51] Natalie: This is what I need to do, et cetera, et cetera. Um, so this has been such a good conversation. We could talk forever, but,, we'll just have it again. So, uh, please tell the listeners about what you offer, about your page, about everything that you want to tell us about. And, um, This is the time to promote yourself.

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[00:48:36] Qubilah: Um, that center around self care conversations. Um, I'm also a practicing like community herbalist. So also educating folks about the medicinal benefits of herbs. Um, and looking forward to doing more community based events.

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[00:49:15] Qubilah: Um, so you can find that in, in, I think we can get that info in the show notes probably. So people can, can find it easily, but those are two places where you can find me.

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[00:49:33] Natalie: So I love that you even have that as a kind of creative expression for yourself. And that can be another way of self care is just to kind of honor your own thoughts and get it onto paper. Like, what am I feeling? Let me see it in front of me. And sometimes that confrontation of words, like when you're like, oh.

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